just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
