I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
