Moan for me like Helen Keller
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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