Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
