Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
