I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
