your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize