dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
