He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
