We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're hate flirting, damnit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
