I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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