Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
