I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
