You made me cry and you don't even care
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
