DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
