Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
