I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You can't just leave with hair like that
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
