Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
