is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
