I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
