Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
