i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
