After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
