Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
