Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
