Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
