We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
