Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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