Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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