so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
