I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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