So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
