There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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