i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A+ Viking dick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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