I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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