awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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