was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
