I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
