I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
