i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
