phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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