Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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