I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
