I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
