yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
