My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
