I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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