Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
