Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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