First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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