If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
