Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
