Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
