My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
