All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
