Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
