Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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