So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
