I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
