I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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