My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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