i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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