the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
