I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
